“Well that is just who I am!” That is what I would tell myself. Every time I had a meeting with someone there was an uneasiness inside me. I never really thought too much about it. It was part of my personality. My wife would remind me that there was nothing to worry about and she would be correct. I would be worrying for no reason. But that’s just the type of person I was.
Just recently the Holy Spirit began prodding a bit. He brought this tendency for fear into the light. As I spent time listening to the Holy Spirit a pattern began to emerge. It was not that I would get worried about a meeting, it was more a fear that I would be rejected by the people in the meeting.
As I looked back over my life, I could see the same pattern again and again. I would be fearful of rejection after every sermon I preached, I was fearful of being rejected by anyone I was meeting with. Always unsure of any presentation I gave or conversation I had. Even when I knew what I was doing was right or the presentation I gave was good, there was this niggling sense and fear that I would be rejected. Rejected by my spouse, rejected by my children, by friends, co-workers. On one hand I knew it was irrational and that I did not need to worry. But it was still there below the surface.
As this reality was brought to light by the Spirit. I began to ask what the source of the fear was. In inner healing prayer we often see that a traumatic event, which induced a feeling of being fearful of rejection, can wound a person’s spirit and effect their outlook on life. So I began to ask the Holy Spirit to show me what the root cause of this feeling was. I did not get any specific memory but just a general sense that it was very early in life.
I am currently participating in the Advanced Course on Healing and Deliverance from PRMI. This is a year long course with the participants getting together three times. During these on-site meetings there are seminars dealing with various aspects of healing and deliverance along with small group times where the participants have an opportunity to practice and receive healing prayer.
It was during this small group time, that I thought it would be good investigate with the group what the origins of this fear of being rejected could be. We spent some time listening to the Holy Spirit and talking together. I was hoping that He would highlight an event from my childhood which could be an entry point for the wounding and lead to subsequent healing.
The wounding we experience is sometimes the result of our sin and sometimes the result of someone who sins against us. But if we ask Jesus into a hurtful or wounded memory, He, through the Holy Spirit, is able to bring healing. God has used healing prayer many times to help me deal with wounds from the past. But this time, no memory rose to the surface. I shared with the group my feeling that I was very young when this happened and so we decided to ask the Holy Spirit to take me back into the womb to show me if anything happened during those nine months from conception to birth.
Just as wounds we experience after birth can shape our outlook on reality, so can wounding and events while we are in the womb. The psalmist reminds us in Psalm 139 that God knew us when we were knit together in our mothers’ womb. In healing prayer, we go back to conception and work through the three trimesters and stages of a baby’s development to see if the Holy Spirit will shed light onto anything that happened and then we ask Jesus to heal anything the Spirit reveals.
So I asked the Spirit to take me back to conception. As he did that, I was aware of the Spirit bringing something up. It was not clear what it was at first, but I was suddenly teary-eyed and an awareness that in and around my conception there was a certain amount of fear, which as a little embryo I had absorbed. We asked Jesus to heal the hurt and I had a wonderful sense of God’s love and protection.
He reminded me that even in the womb He knew me and had a purpose for me. He reminded me of an encounter I had with Him a few weeks ago. During that encounter he had shared how he saw me by giving me the name of a Biblical character. He had revealed to me that the character traits of this Biblical figure were similar to my own. I had struggled to accept what I had felt at that time. But now as he reminded me of this previous encounter the Lord went deeper. He told me clearly that even in the womb this was how He saw me. This was always how he saw me. That truth melted away any fear which was there, and the deep sense of God’s love, mercy, grace and purpose remained. We did not need to go any further through the development of the child and simply sealed the work the Holy Spirit had done and moved onto the next person in the group.
During that evening, I began to write down in my journal what had happened, when suddenly a thought crossed my mind; “Mum had a miscarriage.” I wondered if this was a word of knowledge from the Lord, because I was not aware of any miscarriage that had happened. But along with the thought came a deep sense that this was right. So much so, that I was tempted to call or text my mother straight away (but realizing the time difference and that it was the middle of the night for her, I chose not to). But I did text the following morning and Mum confirmed that she had a miscarriage right before I came along. It was a confirmation of the fear of rejection which we had dealt with the previous day.
But it also gave me an opportunity to walk the healing out. I had to choose to ask the question from my mother and the subsequent questions of why did you ask that? It also provided the opportunity to explain what prayer ministry all is about, something which some people are not always comfortable with. Normally I would feel apprehensive to discuss these things with my mother, but I did not this time.
At the same time the Lord said blog about this. Again, something that I would be less than eager to do but here it is. It is just the beginning of walking out the healing and that will take time. But already there is a quiet reassurance in my inner being that I am secure, loved and have no reason to fear rejection. Even if I experience it from people around me, I know God will never reject me.